03 December 2014

Trying it out

In effort to start 2015 lighter than I started 2014, I've finally committed to counting calories and, you know, actually trying to stay within my calories.

So I'm eating between 1600-1900 per day and I'm *gasp* doing strength training.  Which is for weirdos, y'all.  (I kid, I kid)

A friend loaned me 21 Day Fix and I've done a Fix workout every day in December.  Which, totally sounds more impressive until you realize it's 12/3.  Anyway, it's all no joke.  I'm a little stiff and sore, but I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for doing it.  At least for now.

Because sometimes, getting started and not giving up is enough.  Small victories.

16 November 2014


It's been a tough month.   I'm still holding steady at my January 2013 weight.  So, you know, months of careful dieting and weight loss flushed down the toilet because I can't switch off celebration mode from June to November. 

If I'm being really honest with myself, I think my problem is that I let Friday, Saturday and Sunday get nuts, too.

I'm not making any big, sweeping changes.  Let's face it.  Those don't work for me. Like at all.

So instead, I'm just going to honestly weigh in on Sunday mornings.  I won't be posting the weight here.  But I will post a picture of my reaction to the results.  I'm not sure why I decided to do that, but I'm doing that.

Also, on Friday, at my pedicure, I got a brow wax.  The guy asked me if  I'd like to do my lip, too.  I was all

I've got a normal amount of blonde hair on my upper lip.  NOT having that ripped out with wax. OUCH.

06 October 2014


Man, vacation mode.   I've been on vacation mode from June to today.  I've had POCKETS of being on plan, but mostly, eating whatever the hell I want.  This has not been great for my weight.  I'm as heavy as I've ever been right now.  I'm not exercising except for my Saturday morning boxing class.

I've really got to settle into counting and moving and losing again.

I'm so uncomfortable in my skin.  I think saying it out loud is the first step.  For today, my goal is to track all my food, be within my calorie target and get my 10,000 steps.

One day at a time, that's the way to do this.

09 September 2014

Know what I am not great about these days?

Almost everything.  My house is a mess, my eating is a mess, the weight on the scale is a mess, my activity level is a mess.

What am I doing ok at? Hmm.  Well.  Realizing the stuff above.  The rest could use some work.

Noted. On it.

26 July 2014


For the past 2 or so years, I've started and quit about 400,000,000 eating ideas.  The one thing that is constant is that they are restrictive, I crave what's being restricted or get somewhere out of my control and eat something restricted and then the floodgates open and I eat all the things. That's not particularly healthy or healthful. 

I've tried counting calories, but I get all weird and permissive.

I've tried Weight Watchers and it LITERALLY makes me obsessed with food, what I can fit in, what I can't fit in, etc. 

I've tried clean eating and had a lot of success, but it's easy to backslide.

So here is what I am trying... Accountability.  Just eating with intention.  Taking a moment to notice if I am really hungry or if something else is going on there.  It's not perfect.  Sometimes I still make unhealthy choices, but that's ok.

What I am doing, stripped down, is taking BAD or GOOD off the table.  It's just food. Which is just energy.  I'm working on NOT flogging myself for every mistake.  I'm working on listening to the anxious voice in my head, acknowledging, then moving on. I'm generally in charge of what's happening in my head, regardless of if I feel in control of it at the time.

I really, truly believe that once you start loving yourself for you, the rest kind of right sizes itself.

So, for today, I am exercising with intention, eating with intention, taking notice of the details. 

It doesn't matter if I lose weight.  Not even a pound.  I just need to make the healthiest choice I can in the moment and move on to the next decision.

13 July 2014


A group of friends and I left Weight Watchers.  We knew we needed the accountability of getting together, craved the conversation, and wanted a reason to get together a week.

Enter Anne.  Anne is a former Weight Watchers leader and one of the most engaging people I know.  She's a new mom who is also studying to become a Certified Life Coach.  She came up with the great idea of bringing a group of people together and having us work together towards our goals.  

This morning was the inaugural session.  We all converged on Anne's house and made some coffee and settled in.  We needed to coo over the world's cutest baby, of course, but mostly it was a positive, honest, raw conversation.  Anne facilitated it wonderfully, had us thinking of things in terms of how things are moving you towards your goals, how things move you away from your goals.

We didn't focus on points, calories, the number on the scale, success, failure.  Just on us and each other.

And it was powerful.

My anxiety has been kicking my ass lately.  All the time, actually.  So I picked the word calm for my week.  I need to approach the week with calm intentions to meet my goals this week.  Tomorrow morning, I will calmly take my dog for a walk.  Tuesday morning, I will run with Conner before work and walk 3 miles with him after work.

Calm.  I will tell the voice in my head that brings up things that aren't great, makes me question how I am, how I am doing, my worthiness- that I hear it and be calm around it.

I'm going to make myself better, stronger.  Even if I don't ever lose a pound, I'm getting better every day.

01 June 2014


Today is June 1.  Let's look back on May and see what I accomplished.  Some of this is real accomplishment and some is brain dump because of really lax blogging.

  •  I made serious progress changing my relationship with food.  At the end of May, I stopped counting points (which is a SERIOUS step away from disordered eating in my view) and started logging calories.  There is something about that Free For All mentality that really leads to bad things in my head.  I've done some seriously disordered things as a Weight Watchers member that I wouldn't do just in life.  As a Weight Watchers member, I didn't change my relationship with food AT ALL.  I just changed the garbage I binged on.  Going to a meeting lead by another binge eater is NOT what I need to be doing.
  •  I stepped completely away from Weight Watchers.  The leader I connected to the most isn't a leader anymore (but is still a friend.)  The leader I could kind of relate to left my meeting and went to another state.  That left us with a leader I cannot relate to.  I find that particular leader triggering because SHE still has so much work to do to change her relationship with food.  She mentions AT LEAST once per month that she tried emotional eating again and it didn't help her.  I am sure seeing her standing there, 160 lbs lighter is inspirational to some, but to me, hearing her talking about continuing with emotional eating is really triggering.  Sorry, disordered eater here.   I've mentioned here that there's a disconnect for me between Weight Watchers promoting a 'healthy' lifestyle and their endorsement of artificial sweeteners, tons of chemicals, fat free dairy, INCLUDING CHEESE, etc.
  • Mile a Day May.  Well, I haven't run a mile in 2 weeks.  Last week, I got a TERRIBLE cold.  Like I missed work for 2 days. I never do that. Then my cough held on for another week. Then I got another cold.  I've continued to walk every day, and probably actually moved my body at least 100 miles in determined exercise in May.    I will keep running 3 times per week, and walking all of the other days but for now, I'm delighted with my activity level except...
  • STRENGTH.  OH MAN, I am bollocks at strength lately.  I'm really wanting to focus on my butt and my legs.  And do some arm work.  I'll do some body weight exercises every day in June.  PROMISE ;)
  • Yoga- I started stretching for 5 minutes after my runs.  But it's not enough.    I'm going to do some more in June, because it's good both for my strength and my flexibility. 
  • I'm changing my focus to learn to love myself as I am.  I'm not moving with ANY weight loss intention right now.  I'm just trying to live a healthy life and not gain weight.  I think this will be a good exercise for me.

So, what's up for June?  Some stuff I'm excited about.  Some stuff I am kind of meh about.

Excited! for:
  • Some friends and Raj's sister are visiting in a couple of weeks.  Can't wait to see everyone again!
  • My friends bought me tickets to see Cyndi Lauper and Cher for my birthday!  I haven't been to a concert in YEARS and WHAT A COOL CONCERT THAT WILL BE.  
  • Taking a PTO day with one of my BFF.  I love hanging out with her.
  • Father's Day.  I'm delighted that it's coming up, that Raj will get to spend it with his friends that are here.  He's an amazing Dad.  Dev and I are lucky to have him.
  • Relay for Life
  • Actually turning 40
  • Doing 40 push ups on my 40th. 
I'm really feeling like I'm in a great place right now.  I hope you are as well.

15 May 2014

Mid-May Update

Several things going on right now....

First up, Mile a Day May.  HOLY MOLY do I feel strong.  I've shared here before that I am slow and I am totally fine with that.  BUT this morning's two mile run was amazing.  I wasn't worried about the amount of time I had left, my speed, my distance, etc.  I was just running.  My first mile, it's hard to quantify my speed because it also had my warm up walk in there.  But my second mile, well, that was pretty strong, for me.  Mile two was 12:07.  Given that my fast mile (a one-off) was 11:17, this is a very strong second mile.  It was one of those mythical runs were you feel like you could just keep going forever, if only you had unlimited time. (I don't,  I have to hurry back from my run so that Raj can go to work)- Yesterday was intervals and I struggled through them all.  Weird.  But maybe that 12:07 is like my happy pace?? I just don't know.

Second, Sugar.  I am not missing sugar at all.  My food cravings are way down and I am sitting around 1400-1800 calories per day.  I'm naturally eating more on days when I have CRAZY high activity.  I'm very happy right where I am at right now and hope to carry on like this.

Third, scale?  Honestly, I don't know.  The scale was making me crazy, so I am off it right now.  I will go to Weight Watchers for weigh in and meeting on Sunday, but I'm really pulling all the way away from Weight Watchers right now. 

Fourth- Weight Watchers.  I'm trying to make peace with the program.  I'm still paying for it, still going to meetings (most weeks) but I am NOT using the tools. AT ALL.  I turned off my active link, am wearing a fitbit instead.  I'm counting calories instead of points and doing really well.  So mainly I am paying $42 per month to go stand on a scale and talk about food with others.  I enjoy my meeting, but that's a pretty hefty price to pay for an hour of talk a week. 

Fifth- wheat.  I don't miss it.  I had been missing pasta, but really, what is pasta but a vehicle to eat sauce?  So, I got a Veggetti and OMG, I AM BACK.  In my opinion, pasta sauce tastes better over zucchini than it does over noodles.  I'm so happy eating this way.  I just registered for a big work conference and listed wheat as a special diet consideration.  I don't think I have a gluten problem, but I am afraid that suddenly eating wheat after weeks and weeks without could cause... uhm, embarrassing problems at a work event.

So, no loss on the weight front, that I know of, my my runs are telling the real story.  I am happy and comfortable where I am, eating the way I am and I have no intentions of making any changes.  I'm still trying to decide what to do about Weight Watchers.  I'd welcome anyone's advice, guidance, or words of wisdom.

07 May 2014

Mile a Day May

At the end of April, the end of my challenge, I was looking for something to do.  I'd already been doing Couch to 5K so it seemed natural for me to challenge myself to run a mile every day in May.  So far, this has been going very well.  My run is getting stronger, I'm getting faster, I'm forcing myself to work hills and am generally happy with my run.

Know what I'm bad at/about?  Stretching.  If you run, you  need to stretch after, y'all.  I get bored from this so I like to act like I am totally immune to the needs of stretching but OMG, one pole dancing class was enough to let me know that I am tight in the legs and hamstrings.

So today, I set my HIIT timer to chime every 30 seconds.  I'm able to just focus on stretching and not wonder how long I've held each stretch.  I totally felt my muscles releasing tension and am energized after my run.

I continue to feel like I am working off of Weight Watchers message, but the accountability of the meetings is really important to me.  So, I'm counting calories, moving more and most importantly, avoiding sugar and wheat.   Somewhere after the 4th day of no sugar, I stopped wanting it.  I don't want fake sugar, I don't want real sugar.  I don't want honey (with the exception of some granola bars I made for my son!)  I just want real, healthy food. 

Having a couple of challenges going at once and I'm enjoying life quite a bit.  I made a bit of a life change because I started running before work.   It's good for the dog, who is a jerk, because he gets exercise before he's crated all day.  It's good for me because I get a minimum of 30 minutes of  activity before I get a chance to decide not to do it.  It's good for me because it helps me set my intention for the day.

I'm not losing any weight right now, for some reason.  That's ok, but it is disappointing.  I've got at least 50 if not 80 lbs to go.  I just keep working hard and moving towards my goals, little by little, day by day.

01 May 2014


So the whole 'No Sugar, No Wheat' thing is getting easier and easier.  I don't feel like I am missing anything, I'm way less hungry and the natural sweetness of food really shines through now.

I'm also starting to understand a little more about the way my body works.  For example, this week we added a second fruit back into to our diets.  I was happy because I missed that fruit so I packed up a banana to go with my homemade yogurt and frozen cherries and headed to work.  All other things were normal.  I had fewer vegetables to compensate for the extra fruit.  WELLL, I was ravenous with the addition of the banana.  Maybe the banana plus the cherries plus the carrots was too much for me?  All I know is that I probably ate about 500 calories more eating the banana over not eating it.  Interesting.

So yesterday instead of a banana, I took strawberries as my second fruit.  I had no such effect.  Another observation I've made is that I'm no where near as hungry, so I can definitely scale back my portions.  First a little then maybe a lot in the future.

I've been taking quinoa tabbouleh with chicken and avocado for lunch.  Delicious and filling but I need to shake it up next week so I don't get bored.  Snacks have been veg with hummus and yogurt with fruit.

Workouts have been pretty good.  I couldn't face the thought of 30 Day Shred coupled with running and a lunchtime walk for May, so 30 Day Shred will get moved to June and I will alternate Yoga Meltdown with a few other workout DVDs.  I'm also incorporating a lot more  yoga as I need to make sure that I get some good stretching in after all those workouts.

One thing I'm really torn with is Weight Watchers.  More and more I feel like my idea of what's healthy diverges with Weight Watchers.  I'm still going to the meetings for the accountability and the friends I have there, but 45 bucks a month is a lot to pay for friendship. 

So here's where I diverge with Weight Watchers.  1) Weight Watchers seems to be, at its heart, a low carb, low fat diet.  I believe that eating MORE heart healthy fats trigger your satiety points and in turn you eat less.  2) Weight Watchers allows unlimited 'free' fruits and vegetables.  These foods are not without calories and they should all 'cost' something. 3) (Most importantly to me) Weight Watchers sells a ton of nutritionally void processed crap, both at your local supermarket and in the front of their meeting locations.  It's literally not possible for me to disagree with that more.  That kind of stuff TRIGGERS more overeating in people like me.  I feel like the moment they hitched their wagon to that kind of stuff, they should have re-evaluated if 'healthy' was their prime objective.

I can't tell you how many of the meetings I have attended over the years where I hear someone talk about hacking a recipe, driving down the points value for some junk food by adding fiber one to it.  STOP ADDING FIBER TO SHIT AND JUST EAT REAL FOOD.  So I'm struggling with that and trying to formulate a plan where I leave Weight Watchers and keep up my health living journey.

I'm not convinced I am strong enough to go it alone yet... But I bet I can sort something out.

I'm going to try to check in more in this space and keep you all informed about what I'm up to.  I'm still here, still plugging away. 

Be well, everyone.

28 April 2014


I've been throwing down the Gauntlet Against Sugar for the past 2 weeks.  In that time, my cravings  have decreased significantly.  I've not eaten anything with added sugar at all in that time WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SOMETHING SNEAKY.  I'm looking at you Costco's Rotisserie Chicken.  WHY does that have sugar in it? Stupid and frustrating.

I've made a lot of really positive changes in my life in the past couple of years.  I'm fitter/stronger/heathier. 

I'm still overweight and still overweight by about the same amount I was before but that's OK.  I'm smaller than I was, changing my relationship with food and making permanent changes.

I've been running with Conner most days, gearing up for Mile A Day May.  The dog loves it and I love it.  I've also got a May challenge coming up to eat clean and to workout as much as possible.  I think I will hit up the 30 Day Shred and also some Yoga.  This plus the addition of a Fitbit I've got coming and I should be on track to be the healthiest 40 year old possible in June.

I've got this.

20 April 2014

It's always a struggle

As long as I live, I will never not be struggling against sugar addiction.  I crave it hardcore.

I'm trying to go 30 days without any sugar or sweetener added to my food.  I'm really only at about day 3, and it's tough.  I've cut waaaaay back otherwise and the only added sugar I had last week was from sneaky sources.

Which brings me to a point... WHY is there sugar in chicken sausage and in rotisserie chicken?  MEAT DOESN'T NEED SUGAR.

My weight is still up and down.  I'm fine with this because as I fight sugar cravings, I'm eating more of other things like nuts, nut butter which is not calorie free or low in points.

My trainer challenged us to really turn up the fight on sugar this week.  We are also avoiding things like
*all refined flours (already doing this)
and limiting
*fruit to one piece per day
*cheese to an amount the size of your thumb
*milk to one serving per day

PLUS sweets.  She totally ratcheted things up by issuing that challenge on Easter week.  I'm a little shocked at how much sugar is in my son's Easter Basket.  It's quite a lot.  In general, I want to remove most of my family's dependence on sugar.  It causes so many more problems than just weight.  *Sigh*

I really hope I can avoid passing my food issues along to my son.

13 April 2014


I have a sugar problem.  It's severe.  If I avoid sugar, I look around for it everywhere.  I eat a lot trying to fill that triggered craving. 

It's time to stop that.

That's why it was so perfect when Threw Down The Gauntlet and challenged me to give up sugar for 30 days.   I'm taking wheat with it, because I find wheat to be triggering, too.

I'm going to try some of their recipes during the next 30 days (which start tomorrow.)

I'm going to try to blog more about how this feels, too.  Generally, I'm guessing that I will feel crappy at first but then feel preeeetty darn good.

Here are some of the things I will be trying...
  • eat more healthy fat- including a minimum of 2 tablespoons per day
  • eat full fat dairy
  • limit my fruit to 3 servings per day 
  • eat more vegetables
  • try to include a healthy fat with each meal or snack
Also during the next 30 days, I want to start and complete 30 Day Shred.  I'm also toying with Mile a Day May. Between 30 Day Shred and Mile a Day May, I should be pretty fit when June hits :)

I'm going to try to blog about this more in this space. 

I also want to be blunt.  I'm expecting a big gain at Weight Watchers today.  I'm not excited about it, but it's not undeserved.  I've allowed myself to be triggered into binge eating and over eating for days and days. 

So, my plan for today to get ready for this challenge

1) Make my homemade yogurt this morning
2) get my carrots and celery peeled and washed and ready to snack on
3) clear out triggering items today. 

I'll get this sorted out.

08 April 2014

Countdown to 40

So, anyway, my laptop died, which is lame.  This doesn't mean anything other than I don't have my very own computer that I can use to make infrequent posts.  I use my husbands and it's very frequently occupied.

All ridiculous excuses aside.  It's been going well and it's been going tough, this counting down to 40.

So, where am I with this?

1) Do a better job keeping my whole house clean.  My kid is 6. He can start to pitch in with his own mess.  I can sit on my ass less.  I can be proud of my home.  I don't need to knit for 3 hours per day.

Welllllllllllll, not much to see here, move along.  All jokes aside, some things are improving.  We all have work to do here.  But there's plans to create a playroom and remove the LIVING ROOM mess, which is the mess that makes me craziest.

2) Strength training.  I've got to do it. Period.  I'm going to do strength on Tuesdays, Thursdays and on Saturday when my trainer hands my ass to me for 90 minutes.

This will never not be a struggle for me.  I try, but I am not motivated to do it.  I have to get motivated.

3) Cardio.  I'm going to start running again as soon as the sidewalks clear.  I'll be taking the dog for daily walks until then.

Blah, Stupid foot.  I have an injury.  It's been 3 weeks, it's not getting better.  So, I said 'Eff It" and ran with the dog.  It went ok and hurt no more than walking on it.

4) Stretching.  Yoga and I are going to rekindle our relationship.  This will help with the pain that comes from numbers 2 and 3.
This could be better.  I'm doing a sun salutations challenge right now. That totally counts, right?

5) Food.  I've been doing well on that regard, but it can always be better.  I'm going to continue to watch what I put in my mouth and remove my reliance on man-made food.  I'll eat what I have and then make a positive change for my health and for the health of my family.

Awful, devastating, terrible.  Sugar addiction is kicking my ass lately.  I'm working on it and taking things day by day. Counting points even when it sucks to do it.  That's all I've got.

6) Push Ups.  SOME WAY, SOME HOW I am going to do 40 push ups on my toes.

This? I've got this in the win column.  I did 40 push ups on my toes last night.  It was 2 sets of 10 and 4 sets of 5 but I did it.  I just need to work on doing first all 40 in sets of 10, then 45 in sets of 15, then 40 in sets of 20, then 50 in sets of 25 and THEN JUST DO THEM ALL, OK?

Thanks for reading, touching base with me and reminding me I have a blog.  I need ALLL of these things.  I'm here, I'm clipping along and I'm still trying too hard to figure it all out.

07 March 2014

Countdown to 40

90 Days.   I've got 90 days before I turn 40.  I'm not sure how it happened, but here it is.

90 days before I'm an age I never thought I'd be.  90 days to make some really positive changes in my life.

I don't want to whimper into 40.  I want to go into the next decade of my life with purpose, as fit as I can be.  I want to go in feeling accomplished.

So I've got a goal.

To be the fittest me I can by 40, I want to:

1) Do a better job keeping my whole house clean.  My kid is 6. He can start to pitch in with his own mess.  I can sit on my ass less.  I can be proud of my home.  I don't need to knit for 3 hours per day.

2) Strength training.  I've got to do it. Period.  I'm going to do strength on Tuesdays, Thursdays and on Saturday when my trainer hands my ass to me for 90 minutes.

3) Cardio.  I'm going to start running again as soon as the sidewalks clear.  I'll be taking the dog for daily walks until then.

4) Stretching.  Yoga and I are going to rekindle our relationship.  This will help with the pain that comes from numbers 2 and 3.

5) Food.  I've been doing well on that regard, but it can always be better.  I'm going to continue to watch what I put in my mouth and remove my reliance on man-made food.  I'll eat what I have and then make a positive change for my health and for the health of my family.

6) Push Ups.  SOME WAY, SOME HOW I am going to do 40 push ups on my toes.

Forty is going to be freaking FABULOUS.  I've got this.

19 January 2014

Time to break the cycle

I've been on holiday mode for weeks.  In my world,  holiday mode is eat a lot of crap, gain weight, get my groove back, lose the gain, rinse and repeat.

I restarted my activity challenge on my active link and I am going to change my focus away from sugar.  I've been eating A TON of sugar.  It's ridiculous, really.

I was thinking about doing Weight Watchers' Simple Start, so I think I will start that on Monday.  Not today, because today we are having a birthday party to celebrate my son turning six!  I want to relax and enjoy his party.  His birthday marks the end of the holiday season for me, so I am hopeful I can get my groove back.

I'm down right at 20 lbs from last year.  I need to get the scale back into a losing trend and myself back into the right mindset.

Simple goals for this week.  Track all my food, have at least 3 days without added sugar and end the week without dipping into my activity points.  Meet my Active Link challenge activity level every day.

I've been struggling with resentment.  WHY do I have such food issues, I resent having them.  I just want to be able to take or leave certain foods and that's just not me.  I don't do that. EVER.  That's why I am gearing up to do Simple Start.  It focuses mainly on real food, with small indulgences every day.  I do take some exception to what qualifies as an indulgence, but what are you going to do?

I need to start training for Fight For Air.  If you feel so inclined, please feel free to support my climb.  It's the toughest event I do, and it's for an important cause.  Any help you can give on my fundraising efforts would be greatly appreciated.

Starting today, I will begin doing the stairs in my house 30 times per day.  I'll add more next week and the week after.  I suspect this will go a long way towards hitting my activity goal.

So, in summary, I am not on track right now, but am going to get back on track RIGHT NOW.  Just by putting one foot in front of the other.