March

I haven't really had a lot to say lately, but someone recently reminded me that I have a blog, so I thought I would swing by for a quick update.

So.  Hm.  What have I been up to?  Quite a bit actually.


Home: Ha. Wow.  My house is a disaster, y'all.  I need to go on a spring cleaning extravaganza.   Top to bottom.  We're starting to talk about upgrading our home and in order to do this, we are going to need to SERIOUSLY clean everything, plus downsize a buncha stuff and maybe rent a storage unit for stuff we don't use but can't bear to part with. 

Work.  We had layoffs again a while back.  I was lucky enough to survive, but it's grim, man.  It's really stressful there right now and if you've been reading a while, or if you know me in person you know that I am not great at handling stress.  Walking into work is like a low level panic attack all.damned.day.  I walk in and my stomach cramps up, my heart starts pounding, etc.  I've been walking on lunch and listening to music and that's helping a little.  I need to just suck it up and make an appointment with the doctor because I'm not sure my stress reaction is exactly normal.

Weight.  OH GOD.  I went off the rails in JUNE and I've been strugglefail ever since.  I feel like I am back on track again, but lets just not talk about what the scale says, ok?

Exercise.  Still boxing.  Walking every day on lunch.  Trying to get my 10,000 steps in every day.  I'm really more focused on the weight.  I'm not in the right headspace to tackle one more thing right now.  I'm a damned mess, if I'm being honest.  On the upside, I'm doing Fight for Air this week.  Assuming that I don't die in the stairway, that's likely to be a good spike in my fitness for the week.

Dog.  He's an idiot.

Kid.  He's awesome, naturally.  Silly, funny, smart.  His behavior at school could use some upgrades, but man, I'm super proud of that kid.  He's alright, you know?

Knitting.  I'm not knitting as much lately.  All the stuff from work has me just wanting to be as non-productive as possible sometimes.  I think I will be picking it back up soon. 

That's really all about me.  How 'bout you?

Trying it out

In effort to start 2015 lighter than I started 2014, I've finally committed to counting calories and, you know, actually trying to stay within my calories.

So I'm eating between 1600-1900 per day and I'm *gasp* doing strength training.  Which is for weirdos, y'all.  (I kid, I kid)

A friend loaned me 21 Day Fix and I've done a Fix workout every day in December.  Which, totally sounds more impressive until you realize it's 12/3.  Anyway, it's all no joke.  I'm a little stiff and sore, but I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for doing it.  At least for now.

Because sometimes, getting started and not giving up is enough.  Small victories.

November

It's been a tough month.   I'm still holding steady at my January 2013 weight.  So, you know, months of careful dieting and weight loss flushed down the toilet because I can't switch off celebration mode from June to November. 

If I'm being really honest with myself, I think my problem is that I let Friday, Saturday and Sunday get nuts, too.

I'm not making any big, sweeping changes.  Let's face it.  Those don't work for me. Like at all.

So instead, I'm just going to honestly weigh in on Sunday mornings.  I won't be posting the weight here.  But I will post a picture of my reaction to the results.  I'm not sure why I decided to do that, but I'm doing that.

Also, on Friday, at my pedicure, I got a brow wax.  The guy asked me if  I'd like to do my lip, too.  I was all

I've got a normal amount of blonde hair on my upper lip.  NOT having that ripped out with wax. OUCH.

Struggle

Man, vacation mode.   I've been on vacation mode from June to today.  I've had POCKETS of being on plan, but mostly, eating whatever the hell I want.  This has not been great for my weight.  I'm as heavy as I've ever been right now.  I'm not exercising except for my Saturday morning boxing class.

I've really got to settle into counting and moving and losing again.

I'm so uncomfortable in my skin.  I think saying it out loud is the first step.  For today, my goal is to track all my food, be within my calorie target and get my 10,000 steps.

One day at a time, that's the way to do this.

Know what I am not great about these days?

Almost everything.  My house is a mess, my eating is a mess, the weight on the scale is a mess, my activity level is a mess.

What am I doing ok at? Hmm.  Well.  Realizing the stuff above.  The rest could use some work.

Noted. On it.

Intention

For the past 2 or so years, I've started and quit about 400,000,000 eating ideas.  The one thing that is constant is that they are restrictive, I crave what's being restricted or get somewhere out of my control and eat something restricted and then the floodgates open and I eat all the things. That's not particularly healthy or healthful. 

I've tried counting calories, but I get all weird and permissive.

I've tried Weight Watchers and it LITERALLY makes me obsessed with food, what I can fit in, what I can't fit in, etc. 

I've tried clean eating and had a lot of success, but it's easy to backslide.


So here is what I am trying... Accountability.  Just eating with intention.  Taking a moment to notice if I am really hungry or if something else is going on there.  It's not perfect.  Sometimes I still make unhealthy choices, but that's ok.

What I am doing, stripped down, is taking BAD or GOOD off the table.  It's just food. Which is just energy.  I'm working on NOT flogging myself for every mistake.  I'm working on listening to the anxious voice in my head, acknowledging, then moving on. I'm generally in charge of what's happening in my head, regardless of if I feel in control of it at the time.

I really, truly believe that once you start loving yourself for you, the rest kind of right sizes itself.

So, for today, I am exercising with intention, eating with intention, taking notice of the details. 

It doesn't matter if I lose weight.  Not even a pound.  I just need to make the healthiest choice I can in the moment and move on to the next decision.

Calm

A group of friends and I left Weight Watchers.  We knew we needed the accountability of getting together, craved the conversation, and wanted a reason to get together a week.

Enter Anne.  Anne is a former Weight Watchers leader and one of the most engaging people I know.  She's a new mom who is also studying to become a Certified Life Coach.  She came up with the great idea of bringing a group of people together and having us work together towards our goals.  

This morning was the inaugural session.  We all converged on Anne's house and made some coffee and settled in.  We needed to coo over the world's cutest baby, of course, but mostly it was a positive, honest, raw conversation.  Anne facilitated it wonderfully, had us thinking of things in terms of how things are moving you towards your goals, how things move you away from your goals.

We didn't focus on points, calories, the number on the scale, success, failure.  Just on us and each other.

And it was powerful.

My anxiety has been kicking my ass lately.  All the time, actually.  So I picked the word calm for my week.  I need to approach the week with calm intentions to meet my goals this week.  Tomorrow morning, I will calmly take my dog for a walk.  Tuesday morning, I will run with Conner before work and walk 3 miles with him after work.

Calm.  I will tell the voice in my head that brings up things that aren't great, makes me question how I am, how I am doing, my worthiness- that I hear it and be calm around it.

I'm going to make myself better, stronger.  Even if I don't ever lose a pound, I'm getting better every day.