8 months pregnant

So, here's an update on me, the little one, and the little one's daddy.

I'll start with Raj. He has had a nasty cold for about a week. Sore throat, headache, stuffy nose, cough. It was sounding like he was getting better, but then this AM he woke up with no voice. Now that he has been awake for a bit, he seems to be getting his voice back a little.

The baby. Mr. Deven has discovered my ribs. He pushes on them or kicks them and this is very uncomfortable. Also, he has discovered that he can place a good sharp kick to my bladder and send me running to the bathroom. This is not my favorite. What I do love about this stage of pregnancy is that he is a lot more active. It's very reassuring to feel him rolling, kicking and punching around in there.

Me. So, 8 months pregnant. I have never really gotten that OHMYGOD I MUST HAVE ______ that I have read that so many women get. I get hungry for stuff, but if I can't have it, no biggie, on to something else. The closest thing I could come to that was when I saw a commercial for Hawaiian Punch and while shopping, I went to that aisle specifically so that I could get some. I bought it even though it contains high fructose corn syrup, an ingredient that i usually work very hard to avoid. It was pretty goddamned delicious, I must say. My feet are really starting to swell, to the point that they don't seem to go down anymore. I had to buy new shoes because my brown work shoes didn't fit anymore, and will likely never fit again, since they are so stretched out of shape.

This morning I woke up with a headache and a stuffy nose. I better not be getting Raj's cold. If I do, asses will be kicked.

So, how they hell are all of you?

25 weeks

We are now 25 weeks along. Raj and I went to the doctor yesterday and all seems to be well. Measuring ok, kicking, developing fine. Sounds like the invitations for the upcoming baby shower are getting ready to go out. I'm a bit uncomfortable with the thought of a party centered around me, but am really excited to see everyone.

My favorite was getting to hear his heartbeat again. He can't hide anymore so she found his heartbeat on the first try. Such a cool sound.

We had a really relaxing evening after the appointment. Just kicked back, watched some tv, and enjoyed each other's company. I needed that, because work has been pretty stressful as of late. I spend a lot of time feeling inadequate. It's not a nice feeling.

I called my mom to tell her about finally buying the crib mattress. She got off on a tangent about us moving back to Iowa. When I told her that it is not really on the list of places to look she got really pissed and passive aggressive. I am so sick of that nonsense. I can tell you right now, Deven will NOT be subjected to her BS moods and whims. He doesn't deserve it. Some days, I am not even sure why I even talk to her.

Lots of stuff

Today, we go for our 24 week check up. We are very nearly a week behind, so it is actually a day behind 25 weeks.

He's been kicking and flipping around in there something fierce. It makes me happy to know that he thrives.

Know what else makes me happy? Raj. He has been so wonderful and supportive through all of my moods, depression, feeling wretchedly bad about myself. He's a real cheerleader. And he is the best.

We bought his first items yesterday. The first is his crib mattress. A friend had a brand new, top of the line crib mattress, and she sold it to us for a song, so we have that. I also got a pump in style from her. I estimate we saved about 400 bucks getting these things from her instead of at Babies R Us.

Unrelatedly (I hope) Sam the cat has been pulling his fur out. He has large bald spots on is front legs and belly. We aren't sure if it is allergies or stress, but are concerned that he is reacting to the change he knows is coming.

IT'S A BLUE

COoooooooooooooooool.

Today is teh excitement

Ultrasound today! We get to see our cute little baby, and hopefully find out if we are having a blue or a pink.

YAY for ultrasounds.

I love this kid a ton.

Me = Blahs.

I've been really struggling with my self image lately. As someone who was quite heavy and after years of trying, lost a lot of weight, post quitting smoking has been some rough times for me.

I had finally reset my self image as a NOT fat girl. And then I quit smoking and gained back ALL of what I lost. Then I lost 30 lbs again.

Now I am pregnant. And gaining rapidly. And I don't look pregnant. I look fat. I'm terribly depressed about my appearance. I feel terrible about myself. I suck at life.

Last night, my coworker got married. We got all gussied up and went to his reception. For the first time since probably July, I felt cute. Not fat looking, pregnant looking. My hair was good.

Man, I needed that.

The kind of parent I don't want to be.

I had young parents. I don't think they were necessarily equipped to handle the strains and struggles of having children. Especially my mom.

Now, don't get me wrong, my mom loves us a bunch, probably more than anything, but she was a tough mom to have. Her mom was tougher than that, and apparently my great grandmother was a very tough mom to have. I'm sure it goes without saying that my great grandmother's mom was a challenge.

I want to break that cycle. I don't want to raise another generation of dysfunctional women. That being said, I really hope it is a girl. I really want to raise a healthy, confident, happy, well adjusted girl. I just hope I am the mom to do it.

Growing up in my family has left me with low self esteem, food issues, trust issues, more emotional scars than I care to admit. My mom was alternately smothering and completely neglectful.

All summer long, we would have to go outside and play. We weren't allowed in the house to go to the bathroom. We weren't allowed to do much. Once, I accidentally disrupted a bees nest, and got stung by 4 or 5 bees. My cousin (my watched my uncle's 2 boys during the summer, too) tearfully went to the house to tell my mom that I got stung. She told him "that's what she gets for messing with the bees." and slammed the door in his face.

I know my mom did her best by us, but I do think she was just too young. She's a fantastic grandmother.

I hope that by sheer will of not wanting to perpetuate it, I can break the cycle.